


A Little Less Conversation (A Little More Action)

by hebravelyranaway



Category: Batman (Movies - Nolan), Dark Knight (2008)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Deliberately bad show tune lyrics, Deus Ex Machina in which someone literally appears out of nowhere to move the plot forward, Gen, Humor, M/M, Musicals, Parody, Written pre-The Dark Knight Rises
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-23
Updated: 2014-05-23
Packaged: 2018-01-26 05:40:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1676765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hebravelyranaway/pseuds/hebravelyranaway
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>...Otherwise known as, "I Got Music".</p><p>For the prompt: "You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain."  Written for the knights and anarchy challenge in 2009.</p><p>A mischievous sorceress casts a spell on Batman and Joker during the interrogation scene in <em>The Dark Knight</em>, making it so that they can only speak to each other by singing show tune lyrics.  Yes, you guessed it: there be crack ahead!</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Little Less Conversation (A Little More Action)

Disclaimer: I don’t own Batman, the Joker, Zatanna, or the song/s from which I took the title/s.

A/N: As a note to whoever isn't familiar with Zatanna, it's somewhat important to your understanding of this fic to know that she casts spells by speaking backwards. I, however, learned all I know about her from fanfiction and Wikipedia, so sorry to anyone who is more familiar with the character if I mangled her.

 

 _“A little less conversation, a little more action.”_ Elvis Presley

Batman was looming over the Joker from the other side of the interrogation table, doing his best to look like an intimidating creature of the night. The Joker just smiled up at him with a content sort of derangement.

“Why do you want to kill me?” Batman growled, sounding like a lawn mower that wouldn’t start.

“I don’t want to kill you! What would I do without you?! Go back to rippin’ off the mob?”

“Why not? Not dangerous enough for you anymore?”

“Let’s see…how can I put this…”

Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and a woman with a top-hat and a skimpy pinstriped skirt-suit appeared in their midst.

There was silence for about two seconds.

“Why _helloooo_ , sweetness, but if it’s not too much to ask—” the Joker started.

“Who the hell are you?” Batman said, unintentionally finishing the Joker’s sentence. “And how did you just materialize in the middle of the room like that?”

"Ah, maybe you should make that a ' _What_ the hell are you,' Bats."

She just smiled at them pleasantly, choosing to ignore those last few comments.

“Zatanna Zatara, stage magician and sorceress. Pleased to meet your acquaintance. I’m bored, and you boys looked like you could use something to brighten up your lives a little bit. You take yourselves far too seriously.”

“Look honey, I’m the _Joker_ , I don’t take _anything_ seriously—”

“I don’t do this for _myself_ ,” Batman growled.

“Sure you don’t.” Then, with a mischievous wink in their direction, she said: “Gnis wohs senut.”

With that, she disappeared in a flash of light, just as suddenly as she had come.

Batman frowned.

“What in the world did she mean by, ‘gnis’?” he sang in a surprisingly pleasant baritone. “I just wish someone would explain all of this,” was added pointlessly, seemingly out of unquenchable compulsion to rhyme something.

The Joker rolled his eyes dramatically.

“She was obviously speaking backwards, Bat. She’s definitely magic, from the look of that hat,” he sang in a warbling tenor. “Now we must speak in just music and rhyme, but the clock just struck twelve, so we’re near out of time.”

Batman frowned, a little worried at the choice of words, but the Joker couldn’t have meant anything real serious by ‘out of time,’ could he? No, that was ridiculous.

“But how to explain _us_ so you’ll understand? We’re such different people, and you, with your _plans_ …” he trailed off contemplatively, then grinned mischievously at Batman, and with a flourish, got down on bended knee in front of him as if proposing.

“You complete me, my dear Batsy

but I hope you understand—

I mean that in the straightest sense

I’d say that to another man.

I’ve never once wanted

to grab that nice tush—

Or dance the love tango

As this town turns to mush

“I’ve never once dreamt

Of tying you up

Of knives, cuffs and clamps

And your kinky get-up

“So ask me again

to tell just where I hid them

I made you a killer

‘cause you know I wanna be…

 _Your_ victim!”

He ended on a crescendo, spreading his arms out in front of him as if waiting for applause.

There was horrified silence within the interrogation chamber and without until it was suddenly broken with cries of: “Crimes against music!” and “Somebody stop this monster!”

Batman, for his part, was still too taken aback by the out of tune voice and the stalker-like lyrics to register any clues that the Joker might have given away during his enthusiastic serenade. He just stared at the Joker in shock until he remembered to scowl at him.

The Joker, who had been watching him hopefully for his reaction, slumped pitifully at this rejection. Batman just rolled his eyes and 'nudged' him head first into the table, sure he had to be faking his obsession just to disturb him, and determined to show him that he wouldn't be manipulated so easily. His enemy slid to the ground with a thud and began giggling and rolling around on the floor, somewhat concussed but not completely unconscious.

Commissioner Gordon chose this time to intervene, because he had been waiting for Batman to give the Joker a broken arm, or something. They had to get him back for the mayhem he had caused _somehow._

“Thank god he’s done singing, but now that he’s dazed

How in cold hell will we find our DA’s?” he sang in a pleasant, if slightly airy tenor.

Batman’s eyes widened in horrified realization.

“What did that clown say about ‘out of time’?”

The Joker giggled, still looking a little bit dazed.

“They’d still be alive if you’d heeded my rhyme.”


End file.
